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G-nome Projekt! |
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The Squeegee Man the beginning of all things to end. No I'm serious. no really if you don't find this funny you probably shouldn't have read till here. I'm warning you this is the your last warning. I'm going to count to ten....1 .....2......TEN! Ratatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatattatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatat HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.........keep the change ya filthy animal. It had been nearly a year since the couple last saw each other. The War was over and now the two lovers we're back in each others arms. They had many plans for the future they were going to live in peace on a farm and raise children together. But this one perfect moment negated all that. They we're sitting in the back seat of a 1946 Rolls Royce Fantom 2. They just stared at each other happy to be together (awwwwwww) The rain was pouring down but that didn't matter at the moment. A 7 foot tall man with a trench coat and pinstriped overalls came slowly to the car. His hat was protecting him from getting wet. The only item this man carried was a squeegee. The two lovers held each other close and then.......CRASH! "OMG ROBERT NO!" Screamed the woman. It was too late her lover was dead a squeegee had gone through his head.*Westwood Fallout by Amen starts playing* The squeegee man takes off the door and the woman screams. He can smell her fear..He then picks up the car shakes it around a bit and then drops it. The woman is in the car still screaming. Then the squeegee man walks away. after about 10ft he throws his squeegee at the gas tank.........*boom* .....I'm not satisfied with that sound effect. Let me find something that expresses that kind of explosion..........BOOOM! !!!! Ah yes. That's better an more elegant boom. So the squeegee man took his squeegee out of the burned out car. He walks off smoking a cigar. twenty years later there are four friends. The year is 1963. The height of the counterculture hippies. The friends are John Nick Suzanne and Johnny Depp. In this time they are teenage hippies. They sing songs by camp fires and often do LSD as a creative way of sodomizing. One day the decide the time is right. They must take their weed and LSD and learn about the wonders of nature. Nick: alrt so lets do an item check. Car check, keys check, tent check, weed check, LSD check, Acid check, Grateful Dead CDS check, Beatles Rubber Soul check, Suzanne's guitar check. Ok I think we're all set. Nick had always been the leader of the posse. He grew up on a farm and moved to California after the nazis invaded Michigan. He was a fairly mellow guy and kept it that way by growing long hair, wearing huge aviators, and always wearing tie-die shirts. His friend John was a guy straight out of Happy Days. Not Fonzie though no o no he was the Richard Cunningham of his day. He was tall lanky and freckly. The only thing he knew how to do was make LSD out of salt rocks and glue. With a pinch of sugar and heated over a fire. Let cook for thirty min.......o wait scratch all that your not supposed to know how to make it. Anywayz this was the only reason they kept him around.....or alive for that matter. Suzanne was the music buff she made all her creative songs while on an acid trip sitting in a tree with a guitar. She sent a couple of her demo songs to some big companies but non of them really made it through. She entertained her friends alot with her singing. Their favorite songs included "why the hell is that rock talking to me?" " Are the walls moving?" and "I figured out the answer to the universe" She didn't know how to play her 2005 acoustic Les Paul Gibson. She broke the strings periodically and when this happened she did one of three things. O.D on Acid because that sort of pain is just too unbearable, Skin a cat and use its flesh to make new strings, and or pull out her mandolin because mandolins are fucking awesome and if you have a problem with that then I'll have tony speak to you before you go home.....yea yea you'll be sleepin with the fishys real soon.....bitch. Their only other friend.....the chick magnet was Johnny Depp. He was also straight out of Happy Days. He was Fonzie..........all he could say was "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey" in a British accent.. tonite would be different. They had everything packed and it was going to be another awesome summer road trip with all their hippy friends in Puget Sound. The Volkswagen minibus packed and the rest of their hippy entourage ready they headed north. Half way their one of the small convoy's vans broke down. Everyone pulled over to help their nature friends vehicle. When they discovered the problem they were confused by what they saw. The tire had been popped and what lay inside was something they will never want to see again....a squeegee. John:what the sam hooligan is this? Johnny Depp looksaround nervously. Nick: Dudes this is probably nothing Johnny what are you freaking out over? Did the Penguin come back? Johnny Depp:Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey. Dude I am freaking out over here I had a vision.....that this will or has happened before(FORESHADOW FORESHADOW FORESHADOW SPARKNOTES!) Hippy# 1: Dudes there is something moving in the field there! Hippy#2: ITs gotta be Jesus. Suzanne: Lets all camp there and sing songs! The party decided to camp in the field where the grass grew as high as one foot. Little did they notice the thing moving towards them. Everyone around a camp fire: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo This room is quite weird.....and the light around us is blue. Can I call myself a queer? Are these walls moving around you? ARE THESE WALLS MOVING(proceeded by dun dunnnnnnn) ARE THESE WALLS MOVING YEA! ARE THESE WALLS MOVING because the sparrow hit the tree." Johnny Depp still freaking out: Dudes dudes! Sumtins moooving in the field! Suzanne: THE PENGUIN IS BACK! Suzanne runs to the field and there is a loud *shink* as Suzanne's head rolls back into the fire light. Johnny Depp screams like a woman! Nick:Omg Jesus killed Suzanne. John: DONT GO INTO THE LONG GRASS NOT INTO THE LONG GRASS! Soon after the hippies started fleeing into the long grass and one by one they were killed.....slaughtered by the squeegee man. Johnny Depp Nick and John start running for their lives. Nick:WHY THE FUCK JOHN DID YOU PISS OFF THE PENGUIN! John: I NEEDED MONEY SO SHUT THE FUCK UP! Johnny Depp: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Soon as they run Johnny Depp trips and starteds to slowly sink into the ground Johnny Depp: NO THIS WAS IN MY VISION NO HELP ME PLZ NOOOOOOO! Try as they might the field consumed him and then Bubbles poured forth. John: well fuck that. A figure in a pin striped suit came up behind John and sliced of his head. The figure lowered his bloody squeegee. I AM THE SQUEEGEE MAN AND YOU HAVE TREAD UPON MY HOME! NOW DIE FOR YOUR SINS PAGAN! Nick: NO PLZ DONT HURT ME NO! What ensued next was baffled screams and
rustling of the bushes. .......I will not describe the scene again. Use your
imagination. Godfather: Listen Mr. Squeegee man the family is not pleased about what your doing for business. Your killing one of our buyers livestock. (Lots of skeletons of sheep and cows jump out of the fire) Tony myself and the other families are not happy with the way things are going with you so you must die right now. Italian Style. Squeege man: NOOOOOOOO DONT KILL ME! Ratatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatat the mafia killed Squeegee man. and just before he hit the floor.......a shimmering thing came through the fire and neutered the Godfather! The Predator roared in triumph. He was now a true Warrior. Then a flaming sheep skeleton jumped on him and threw him into the fire where his body exploded and the mafia died. The squeegee man's body sank into the ground in bubbles........ THE END!
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