|
G-nome Projekt! |
|
|
Ode to my vein So this is not so much an ode as more a story of sorts. It all starts out with the day the Russians went into space. When Fyodor Yurchikhin successfully reached earth orbit and reentered the earth. The Soviets had to hospitalize him.....and not his crew mate because nobody knows who he is. The doctors did everything they could for Yurchikhinihfinigan.....but no human anti-dote or pharmaceutical agent could help him at the time...Nowadays all you need to use is Ibuprofen and some well curdled milk to stop this .....thing that happened to Fyodor. He had a ......condition. Something in space had messed up his mind....all his veins were moving around inside him and strangled his brain. After his most excruciating and agonizing death Soviet Doctor Feelgoud dumped his body in the marshy landscape of Kazakhstan. It was here in this nuclear and atomic environment that the great Fyodor Yurchikhin rose anew. Well his body. The veins in his body consumed his flesh and formed themselves into their true form. This.....is called the G-nome Strain. A deadly strain of Humanoid DNA that has a tentacle like structure and is more like a virus than anything else. This creature who we will name Noam for intents and purposes, walked the countryside of the Soviet satellites and consumed passer Byers and peasants and pheasants and hitchhikers, who are never really going to be missed anyway. After spending so much time with humans he began to shape shift into one. An average tall dark haired, ripped body, sexy eyes and .....oh wait. Ahem. So he made his way across the Bering Strait into America....It was here the creature would thirst on the blood of Californians and .....Orgeonians. This is where the real story begins. There were two average people living in an average town in an average University with some pretty average people of Santa Cruz. These two people were named Bill and Christina. They had been friends since college. Christina came to UCSC to study wizarding spells and Bill came to study Orphan Science. What these two didn't know is that they're lives were about to be changed forever. ....forever......forever. Did I mention forever? So on one occasion these two decided to go down to the OPERS Field at night. "Bah-hm!" Christina said. "Babums.....I am so tired....I was at the Gym for 7 hours today." Bill said with a tired look on his face. "Babums.....you need to not do that anymore!" Exlcaimed Christina. "But Babums....God tells me to work out or else I'll be sent to hell for being fat." Replied Bill. Just as Christina was about to retort a big boom was heard and sent the two to the ground. When they got up there was a man....crouched in a ditch in the field naked rippling in muscle and manliness and sweat and........Dammit!" The area around his feet was covered in glass because it was so hot. The figure stood up. Dun dun dun nun nun. Dun Nun nun nun. Bill looked up and said "WOW a real Terminator!" Christina looked in shock. The figure walked to them and said "My name is Noam Litman I am operand 74.5 I have come to study your species." "WOW a real terminator!" Bill said yet again. Christina simply replied...."Bah-hm" "Baaaaah-hm" Said Noam. "Is this the greeting of your species? Interesting its different from the Russian Species." So the duo took this....thing in and taught him the ways of Kung Fu and Jujistu and of course how to be a human. Each night as they slept Noam would creep out of the Apartment.... On one occasion when the trio went to go see Batman Kicks Ass One Last Time. They came across a couple of people. Thug #1: Give me ALL YOUR FUCKIN MONEY! THUG #2: YEAH! It was at this moment that within the blink of an eye the two were dead. Noam consumed their life blood through an appendage in his right Quadricep. "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" "Noam that's weird?" Bill said. "That is my vein....a second artery which acts as a proboscope and sucks the life out of my prey." The vein went back into his leg. "Mmmmmmmmm that was tasty....now I must consume 30 centiquarts of Diet Coke. It has the same amount of receptor compound in the protein based isotopes that act as a catalyst to infuse Dilithium with Adamantium to make pseudo-plasma." "What does that even mean?" said Christina. "Noam You can't just make things up....If the Emperor found out he would have me killed!" Bill stated. "What emperor? You have a king who rules you?" Noam asked in quizzically." "Noam that's not a word!" Bill remarked in an annoyed tone. It was that night that the first signs that Noam was not on this planet to study humans, appeared. He spent most of his days on Wikipedia researching movie quotes. Even while he slept his vein kept typing in key words searching as much information about movies, human anatomy, sex, chocolates, promises he didn't intend to keep. He spent all day and night on the computer clicking and typing away. When sunrise came, Bill and Christina started off their day with the usual Cowell Coffee Shop lattes or cappucinos or.....idk whatever those kids like to drink these days o right MorganFreenos. Christina looked up in a "godammit" sort of way. She new the author was just toying with her. "Bah-hm" To which the author feeling that his subject cannot resist against his writing skills, he had her promptly removed from the script. Bill sat there alone on one of his off days. He was working on a much needed essay and only thinking about the gym when it happened. There was screaming coming from down the hall. It sounded like it was coming from the dining hall. Everyone went to go see what the commotion was. Then everyone started to run away. A great tentacle beast was storming through the halls killing all in its path. Bill realized what it was and bolted. The beast took notice and run or.....crawled....slithered? Across the ceiling. Bill came to a dead end, realizing he had no where else to run he decided to fight the demon. It was when Bill got a good look at the monster that he realized it was the vein of Noam. His gi-normous vein had grown to an immense size. "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.....I am a monument to all your sins." "Only Noam's vein could pull out such a line like that" said Bill. "What the hell did you do with Noam?" "I am his past, present, and future." said the bloody beast. The beast struck at Bill's feet and he lept away. The two dueled the montser struck hither and thither and Bill was able to dodge every strike. "Where is Noam!" yelled Bill as he struck the monster with a piece of broken wood. Noam's face emerged out of the mass of tentacles. "Hello Bill you knew our relationship couldn't last forever ya know?" "what relationship I'm not gay." "Oh what? O NO I didn't mean like that I mean't ya know you and I as friends." "But THAT is what it sounded like ya know?" "Well no...no....I was
talking about THAT. I meant....ya know friends. Like when two people have a
relationship as friends ya know?" It was at this moment, when the beast was caught off guard that Vin Diesel jumped onto his back. "DID NOT KNOW WHO HE WAS FUCKING WITH!" "AH WTF VIN DIESEL IS ON MY BACK AHHH GET IT OFF!!" The beast roared with rage and threw Vin Diesel off of his back. "The name's Riddick..." said Riddick. Bill looked at both the creature and at Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel took a step closer to Bill and said "Its been a long time since I've smelt beautiful." Bill backed away feeling very uncomfortable with this set of circumstances. The creature made his move, he trhust a tentacle out and stabbed Vin Diesel in the side. "AHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Yelled Vin Diesel in pain. "That .......is to fucking weird" Said the beast. The beast consumed Vin Diesel sucking out all the blood from his veins. It was at this point that Vin Diesel said...... "NOT FOR ME!" "Oh fuck!" Bill ran out of the hall way.....The beast tried to pursue but even before he could take a step he blew up from the inside out. Bill was covered in blood....all he could do was just stare and wonder what the hell just happened. It was at this point that the author decided to let Babums back into the picture. She helped Bill up on his feet. There were men in black suits and helicopters. "I've known all along that he was an alien. It was just a matter of time and when I found out what he was going to do I rushed over here as quickly as possible. How'd you do it Bill?" "Vin Diesel.....did it." "What?" "Vin Diesel." "no seriously how did you kill it?" "NO I'm not lying
babums Vin Diesel actually killed Noam" "BABUMS IT WAS VIN DIESEL!" Then one of the men in the suits came back from the site where Noam's body exploded. "He's right......there's Vin Diesel DNA all over the place!" "Godammit...." It was at this point that Special Agent K from MIB came up. "Babums you know Will
Smith?" "But Babums I thought we were married." She whipped out a neurolizer and flashed it at Bill. "Sorry Babums....not anymore." As they gave Bill a new memory a the small pieces of what was left of Noam's vein....crawled into the drain and out of sight....
|