Dr.
Noam Litman M.M.D
So as a professional doctor I think it is my duty to inform you what is healthy and what is not.
Doctor Noam's list of health.
1. They say that certain types of foods and certain diets can lead to cancer.
Solution: You fail to see the lie behind this because you will contract cancer from anything. Yes you are going to die of anything and everything the best thing to do is drink orange juice or coke and go about your way.
2. Exercising is healthy.
Soultion: No its not. Have you ever seen those heavy weight lifters? Notice their muscles bugle out and their faces contort into odd positions that you did not know a human face could do? That is called stress. Stress is not healthy I would think you would have determined that by noticing how your parents have gray hair and the reasons they neglected you as a child because they wanted you to go to a good college. Thus, you must not work out. In all sensibility it is best to watch TV and learn something. Take in the world's information in a stress free environment.
3. Fat is bad
Solution: No fat is pretty darn healthy. You need fat in order to stay warm and afloat. Look at whales? Notice they were killed for their fat. In my professional opinion fat is quiet good with steak and T-bone. That and something about having stored energy. It is true you will need that in order to move around.
4. Sugars can cause hyperactivity.
Solution: A common misconception, it is actually the salts in your hypothalamus that travel through your fibulas to your brain. As they travel through, your body starts to shake and awareness is increased. You begin to feel like you are going to kill some one. Hyperactivity is extremely important in the working area. Increased hyperactivity means more productivity, which in turn means more money for ME! I mean the economy.
5. Osteoporosis is a terrible thing to have.
Solution: You know what causes your bones to break? Force. Ok it is your own fault if you break your bones because you didn't watch your step. IT SAYS WATCH YOUR STEP YOU MORON YOU SHOULD HAVE OSTEOPOROSIS OF THE FACE SO I WONT HAVE TO SEE YOU ANYMORE. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL OSTEOPOROSIS?!?!? WELL YOU DO NOW BECAUSE I TYPED IT FOR YOU! GOSH what an idiot.
6. The best diet is
Soultion: Hunting for food with spears and bows is a fail proof way of maintaining one's physique and health. Minimal fat and awesome amounts of muscle. Though one maybe on the verge of starvation and the winter may catch up to you it never hurts to turn against your fellow hunter and eat him. Bring home slabs of meat saying that you killed 7 mastodons but most of their flesh was eaten by hyenas and Saber Tooth Tigers so you could not bring home the full package.
7. Lactic acid is bad
Solution: Lactic acid is when acid from your stomach spills onto your muscles because it is so sick of you doing stressful work it wants to burn away your muscles. This is equivalent to your body evolving a strain of a flesh eating virus and letting it viciously attack your brain because your own body has just become aware of how much of a danger you are to society and will gladly kill itself for the greater good of the species. Lactic acid is also toxic to those who are Lactose intolerant. For obvious reasons. The best way to circumvent such ailments is to buy Soy milk thereby only producing Soy acid.
8. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Solution: This is a total misconception. An apple a day will have the dentist drilling holes in your gums because you obviously dont brush your teeth. The doctor will then tell you that the apple you ate had a type 2 S -Class amoeba in it that has evolved to become a derivative of the Ebola virus and so they must perform a lobotomy because your are obviously to stupid to have thought that through when you took that bite of the apple. Also you forgot to wash it before you ate it. The real solution is to just lay down and die.
9. Fish is good brain food
Solution: How many people do you know eat fish and the next day or even after dinner suddenly know more than they should. This grievous mistake can cost your life because in the event you do have fish for dinner you are likely to have also eaten mercury........O forgot about that didn't you? What does mercury do to the brain? I'm sorry I can't hear you say that again? Deteriorates it? No you dont say......Can you spell deteriorate? You can't ? Did you have fish for dinner?
10. You are obviously the worst doctor. ever.
Solution: You know that's what they said about Doctor Pepper and look what happened to him. He is making millions of dollars because he has helped people get through their day. Have you ever watched Doctor Pepper commercials? Notice everyone is happy and they are all famous, white, and they can sing pop like no other. If Frank Sinatra drank Doctor Pepper I think he would be famous by now. I have just come here to do the same. To make everyone happy and to inform you about your stupidity. I have come to correct that by giving you some well thought out advice. If you cannot even take care of your own intelligence then you probably shouldn't be outside.....or part of our species for that matter.