Dr.
Noam Litman M.M.D
Patient #101 Christopher Edwards Merritt. ex-Ph.D. Literature.
This is one of my lovely patients his name is Christopher Merritt. He suffers from post traumatic stress syndrome after serving in the Vietnam war. When the war started he was just an average boy being drafted by some average government who were elected by some average voters who had enough of this average communism so they went and started an average war. Chris trained and he trained and rose up through the ranks to become 3rd Private Non-com who was in charge of mess hall. His psychological state changed the night a Viet-cong mortar hit the kitchen at 06:00 am killing half of the mess patrol, three quarters of the kitchen staff and destroying the blue Popsicles that Chris had worked on all through the night. Chris only received minor glass cuts and wounds and one paper cut from God knows where but he was never the same again. He now believes himself to be a Emu from Sri Lanka. Flashlights and cameras scare him. He also writes weird secret messages to the devil on Notepad, the program that is on Microsoft but no one ever uses because it sucks. An example follows:
Ok you might be wondering how a normal, sane person like me is hanging around with a certified lunatic like Dr. Noam here. Well it just so happens that he's been my personal physician for many years, and during one harrowing operation in which he surgically removed an obese squirrel from my throat, he implanted a mind-control chip in my brain that makes me like him. It's the only possible reason, I'm sure you agree.
Anyways, I'm Ph.d. Chris, and you might remember me from such movies as Star Wars: A New Hope, Predator, and Titanic. I have decided to remove myself from the Hollywood scene to do some (hopefully) entertaining
web comic work with Dr. Gnome. It's going to involve demons, retards, babies, rhinos, rabid football players, shotguns, Halo, men buying tampons, rhinos fighting babies, more demons, Aliens, cranky old men getting their shit ruined, pirates, and of course the three Prime Evils. Me, Noam and Mike will be in there, known only as Christopheles, Nomaal, and Mikablo. We're
going to rock hardcore, and live hardcore. However, we won't be held responsible for the comic sucking. This is undoubtedly your fault for viewing it, and making it ugly in the process. You dipshit. Look what you did. I mean look at it! Honestly. You should be ashamed of yourself. Just look at that.
Now these next two bits I'm doing as public service. Not self-service, or even service in General. Generals are too old for me to service. First off: stay the FUCK away from squirrels. Squirrels are on par with zombies in terms of threats to the population. They come in several varieties, but they all want to take over from humans as the top of the food chain. The brown ones will follow you. They're the recon guys. The gray ones sneak into your house at night, trying to deprive us of food so we starve slowly. Insidious little furry bastards. But the black ones... the Death-Squirrels... are by far the worst. Imagine a ninja squirrel. With a little miniature sword, poison needles, and PCP to make them haul balls like Noam running after my mom. Don't ask. Ok. Death-squirrels have all these BUILT IN. Tiny little vicious claws, they usually have rabies, and enough energy in their systems to power a small city. They're walking thermonuclear biological razorblades. They're watching us. Plus they worship Satan. I've seen the altars. Sacrificing other squirrels, drinking their blood, growing horns, summoning fire... if we do nothing its only a matter of time before we're all eating acorns.
The last thing I need to say right now is 10 things that need to be taken care of. Basically any bullshit I can think up. Ready? No? Too bad cockbite.
LUMBERJACK LINGERIE: Yes you read that right. A new clothing line of lingerie designed specifically for lumberjacks is in progress. Their commercials are going to emulate
Victoria's secret. I'm including a picture, but be warned: I'm not responsible for any ralphing that may occur while viewing this little slice of Hell.
(the following picture has been
deleted for viewer comfort)
GARFIELD: One of the reasons I want to develop our comic is so that people have an alternative to the mind-numbing crap that is shat out of Jim Davis' asshole. Garfield was funny for about two years; from when i was 6 to 8. ENOUGH'S ENOUGH YOU WORTHLESS DOUCHE!
MY DAD: My dad is an asshole. He's reading this as I write it and
Hey, it's Dr. Noam. Sorry, Chris' dad killed him after turning into a giant green monster. The monster was las
As a doctor and a psychologist/neurologist/ominpotentubiquitousologist. I have strived hard to correct patients such as these and after 20 years of doing this I have finally cured this patient. All it takes are 300CC of sugarmetaanphetamines and 100mlg of enriched uranium asymptotes which can only be found in small amounts in the deserts of Zanzibar and Zucchabaar. After intravenously inserting the drugs Christopher becomes his normal self and functions as a normal human should. unfortunately the drugs must be injecting every 24 hours or he slips back into pure insanity. At this time I am discovering new ways of giving him drugs......and keeping him sane. Progress is slow but that's only because we are dealing with a slow patient. In a few years time, 5 years at the most, Chris will be a moral normal person....well as moral and normal Chris' are meant to be.