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G-nome Projekt! |
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I would like to address a new drug that has been introduced into the coffee world. As you see Starbucks leading company in the coffee world, has developed a new type of beverage that is so potent, so rich, so destructive to ones health, that they only serve it in small cups that hold 2.65 Fl. Oz. Yes I am speaking of the Chantico. In Italian this means Rich Chant, which is slang for your going to die you nazi pig. Some of you hate it others love it. I have recently become addicted to this substance and I am in imminent danger of dying a slow and sugary death. The first symptoms are a good sensation feeling in the mouth as you dowse this into your system. The second is a tingling feeling be hind the eyes causing the eyelids to open up wide. Your eyes dilate and your retinas turn black. Soon afterwards the victim begins to shake compulsively and violently. He/she tends to collapse on the floor and puke everything up. From such hard convulsions their spine snaps and then their skull collapses in on itself. This is only from drinking smalls sips. The people who think they are being bold who chug it just explode entirely. This drink can only be taken every 37 hours because it takes that long to get it out of your system. If we do not address this problem and act upon it quickly, thousands of Starbucks customers will die. They will make a truth add for Starbucks along the lines of this. Person (holding a megaphone and speaks to crowd.):Did you know that every 3 days a person dies from coffee? Did you also know that some of the substances put into the Chantico are cyanide, arsenic, naplam and chocolate? Why? They say it adds to the flavor? What poison will you drink today? ........Truth. The Chantico is going to be the next ecstasy and you will see it being sold illegally in clubs and other social places. This cannot happen. We must rise up against our killers and bring swift justice upon them! WE MUST DRINK WATER! Do you know what happened today? This only proves my theory that the Chantico is consuming me. Mike and I were at Borders which was right next to Starbucks. The following scene occured: Me (looking at the next Priest book): Mike.....I. I'm shaking and I'm sweating. I need to go to Starbucks. I neeed.............the.. the.........CHANTICO! Mike: Noam no you must overcome your addiction. This is perfectly normal for any rehabilitating patient. YOU MUST OVERCOME THE CRAVING! Me: NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I NEED IT. omg........I'm going to throw up...plz.....get me the Chantico. Mike: No. I refuse. Me: Then I will get it myself. Mike: YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING! Me: YES I WILL!!!!!!!! (I run towards the door at Borders when Mike tackles me into a stand of books. As paper flies everywhere and books are being ripped, Mike struggles to keep me from getting up. The people stare wide eyed at the spectacle.) ME: I NEED IT! LET ME GO YOU DONT UNDERSTAND MY DESIRE FOR IT! Mike (struggling): NO YOU CANT HAVE IT! NOAM THE ADDICITON HAS CONSUMED YOU FIGHT IT! Its the Napalm in your system thats doing this to you. (I writhe and writhe and I unzip my jacket and break free of Mike's death grip. I rush towards the door and out of the store hitting people in the navel as I leave.) Mike: NO! SOMEONE STOP HIM NO PLEASE! (Mike rushes to Starbucks next door only to find a horrible sight. I have purchased a Chantico. The crowd in Starbucks looks on in terror.) Person#1: OMG HES GOING TO CHUG IT! Person#2: SOMEONE STOP HIM! Mike: Noam put the Chantico down....please its ok well get through this just put it down and I'll buy you a soda are something lets just not be hasty about this. Me: I NEED IT ONE SIP! Mike: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! (As I chug the horrid substance I crumple the cup and smack my lips in pure satisfaction. After 2 minutes of intense silence the effect begins. Suddenly I feel my bones moving causing me to writhe in pain. I can feel my brain smashing against the sides of my skulls as if to break free and escape its horrible fate. I can feel my internal organs melting.) Me: NO ! WHAT HAVE I DONE! AHHHHHHHHHHH THE PAIN! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP! NO!!!!!!!!1 (After 5 agonizing minutes I explode into a bloody mess. Everyone screams and flees Starbucks. Mike is never the same again. Two days after that terrible day, the government forces Starbucks and all coffee shops to close. To set the example and to prove that they are serious they publicize the executions of the Starbucks CEOs and head staff. Coffee and tea become illegal under the 28th amendment. Drug dealers dump their cocaine and heroine farms and go on to produce coffee and tea illegally. The world stayed the same except the drug was now coffee.) |